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Saturday, March 12, 2011

He's just my buddy!!!

By Judah
The friend zone has gotten the best of all men at one point in time. We assume being nice, cordial, and friendly (i.e. a “gentleman”) will get us somewhere when it comes to matters of the opposite sex. It sounds nice but has nothing to do with attraction. Being friendly has nothing to do with passion in the least bit.
A recent post I wrote “I have a penis, you have a vagina... We can't be friends” had me thinking a lot about the dynamic between male and female interaction. I personally don’t think men 99.9% of the time go into a friendship with a woman wanting to be a “friend”. There are two reasons a guy goes from going for the gold to finding himself trapped in that friend zone.

Reason #1

The first cause is self sabotage. When fear is present, a lot of guys go in with good intentions but set themselves up for failure. Fear causes men to; make excuses, find reasons not to make a move, or simply settle when things get hard. A lot of times this fear spirals into a guy panicking and acting overly goofy. ...Yes being charming and funny can help to a point but when you kick it up a notch you might as well start making balloon animals.

Reason #2
The second and very common reason is putting her on a pedestal. Yeah, I said it. … Men, too often, too many of us insist on putting that pussy on a pedestal. Women are no different from men in the sense that they are trying to experience life and meet some cool people along the way. The act of being overly friendly, “chivalrous” and appeasing to women will result in some GREAT friendship.

So what should I do then?

I’m glad you asked. A combination of mystery and aggression will go a LONG way. Yes, in some ways the attraction is either there or it isn’t. But I’m talking about the times where it’s 50\50. … A situation from which your body language and what comes out of your mouth will tip the scale. Meaning it’ll either tip it in your favor or in the direction of “Him? No, I’d NEVER think of him like that. That’s my buddy!”
So I’ve been talking with Samson about the direction of the blog and how best to connect with our readers, so this inspired me to tell a story of MY experience with the friend zone.

Yes, I’ve found myself in that damn friend zone before too. Judah’s story...

So, I met a girl in high school during 6th period psychology. … And she was a banger... Nice little shape. Cool personality--the works. At this time period of my life, my swag was on a 100 million before such phrase was even created. Anyways, we started chatting it up and we became “friends.”

We start hanging out at my house, her house, kicking it. And it was all good. So one day I ask her to the ring dance (Junior Prom) and she says yes. So it’s all good and I tell my boy Twink about it. We decide to get the tickets during second lunch and my boy is there with me. “Beth” (that’s what we’ll call her for this story) is no where in sight. Twink starts laughing uncontrollably. I don’t know what to think so I go looking for her.

We finally find her and she tells me she can’t go because her BOYFRIEND (!!!!) won’t let her go. Two things; if I had been firm with my intentions that shit would not have gone down, and if I made my presence known, if I was that type of guy, it would have been time for the percolator.
There is much more to the story and perhaps another blog will inspire me to finish the it. Eventually I got what I want, but that’s another story...
The moral the story is that if I had been more assertive and less friendly, this would have saved me a lot of time--and the results at this particular moment in my life would have been drastically different. If you’re putting yourself in a category you don’t wanna be in, you’ll have to do something about it. Let your presence be known.


Hadassah said...

This happens to women too, but for the sake of this blog and this post I have to say I agree with Joshua. As a woman, I LOVE to know I have a man that can take charge and is very in control. That means that you make it known from jump what you want. That also gives me an opportunity to make an informed decision about you and decide if I'm willing to follow your lead in the relationship.

Mystery and aggression? Within reason, of course. Too aggressive may scare some women and too mysterious... that will only take you so far if you're looking to really connect with someone. I guess the real trick is to find balance with mystery, aggression, chivalry and friendship. I've been in situations with men where the physical attraction was about 40%, but the combination of everything else plus the fact that I knew his intentions made the difference.

Samson said...

I feel you on that Hadassah. It seems like women from all walks of life want a guy who has the ability to take charge of situations--to take control without being controlling, if that makes sense.

That was a good point about striking that balance. I'm married so some of the mystery is gone, but there are still ways to keep things fresh and mix that with chivalry and friendship, while keeping that "edge" that drew her to me in the first place.

*And to the Facebook commenters, we'll have a Facebook fansite up soon to reply to those.

Thanks everyone for posting, we like good dialog.

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