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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Condoms are stupid...

By Samson
They really are...

Sure, they protect you from pregnancy, STD's and can potentially save your life, but on a straight up human gratification level they're the worst. So feeling the way I do about condoms, you can bet I'm doing a happy dance now that me and the wife have decided that she get back on birth control. She's not thrilled about using it, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm not sure who will be more excited about kicking condoms to the curb, me or her.

Throughout our relationship, I've had too many "Negative PQ" [See the definition of PQ here] moments in the bedroom to count due to condoms. They always go something like this.

*Samson and wife are getting it on. Wife is thoroughly enjoying it. Samson begins enjoying it too much and starts thinking of box scores and math problems...*

*Strategy works for a while but then Samson reaches "Decision time" [fellas, I know you feel me], where he's either going to calm down (and in this case put a condom on) or hit full throttle and go for the gusto.*

There's no in between when your mind is at that point.

Samson: Hey babe... B-b-babe... I gotta hold up and put a condom on...

Wife: Noooo! *Holds on so Samson doesn't move*

*Samson enters emergency mode and pushes wife off so he can grab a condom before changing his mind*

Wife: *sigh of disgust*

Samson: -250 PQ :(

Now she doesn't know this, but when she does that all too familiar sigh of disgust, what I really hear is "You lame muthafucka!" Hey, not ready for kids quite yet so I just have to take my Negative PQ in that moment like a man.

But when I think about this, I realize how ridicilously unnatural condoms are. We've used them for the majority of the marriage, so basically, in it's lifetime, my penis has spent a lot more time feeling latex than my own wife's vagina. How is that natural? If you had to throw a condom on your tongue to eat food, you'd still get fed--but would it really be the same?

After dwelling on this, I always go to the thought that this is why marriage is important. I'm not a moralist, so if you're into swinging and slinging, to each his own. When it's time to "settle down" it only makes sense to have one "go to" person for the peace of mind of both of you.


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