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Friday, March 11, 2011

Man Law!

By Samson
So it’s been a busy week, but I’ve found time to deal with a few items that have come across my desk here at 2 Cent Tab Headquarters. I’ve been kicking around some man law bills that I think it’s time to sign into law.

  1. It is the responsibility for each man to understand the value and application of “Man Currency.”

While “Thank you’s” are common courtesy and always appreciated, these words have little meaning amongst men. Thankfully, man currency takes care of certain exchanges in a manner that is not only fair, but expected.

For instance, one subsection of the 2 Cent Tab Man Law Book cites how a man should handle favors. When your friend breaks his legs and ends up in the hospital, if you show up the next day with flowers, balloons, candy, a card, or any similar gestures, the 2 Cent Tab Review Board has been given full authority to suspend or revoke your Man Card. In fact, if you show up with a teddy bear, your Man Card is subject to revocation indefinitely without the issue even going before the Review Board.

Instead, you’re strongly encouraged to (without being asked), take care of some of the duties your friend is unable to, due to his legs being out of commission. This means stopping by his house to cut his grass, take out his garbage, walk his dog, etc., so that his house is in order when he’s released from the hospital.

In exchange, if your friend is a real man, once he notices the gesture, he should fully expect to find some beers missing from his refrigerator or that his PS3 has been borrowed for about a week. Men don’t haggle over these exchanges or even bother speaking on them. 2 Cent Tab Man Law dictates that this is only right, and men don’t get credit for doing what’s right.

  1. When a group of men travel to social functions, there is an unspoken obligation to watch each others’ back. The length of time you’ve known certain members, if you know them at all, is irrelevant.

This can mean a lot of things. It could mean that if a group of drunken idiots plot to attack a member of the entourage, each member is expected to do his part to diffuse the situation and/or ensure that your partner remains safe, by any means. It could mean that if a member makes a move on a woman tied to a pack of girlfriends, some entourage members are fully expected to fall in line, play their position and serve as wingman for enough time for said member to put his bid in.

Basically, crazy things tend to happen during outings where testosterone, alcohol and hundreds to thousands of different personalities congregate in a particular location. Your decision to enjoy an outing with other men, friend or not, is an unspoken agreement to look out for each other in any situation. The statute of limitations with this law allows leniency for situations where your friend or group member absolutely, without question brings a negative situation upon himself. We all know the guy you can’t take anywhere because he always gets tanked and causes problems.

Outside of this extreme situation, no exceptions are allowed. If you don’t like or respect someone enough to help or defend him during outings, stay home.
  1. A man is allowed ONE team per sport. Once this team is chosen, he is not, under ANY circumstances, allowed to switch teams.

The fantasy sports craze has blurred a lot of lines with this law, so 2 Cent Tab felt the need to put it back on the books. There is nothing wrong with watching multiple games and cheering for various teams, in fact it’s encouraged. However, you must limit your fandom to one team. Nobody likes a Team Whore.

Anyone can jump on the bandwagon of a team that is hot at the moment. True fans stick with one team through thick and thin, so they can agonize through the tough times and celebrate during the good times. If you switch teams, you automatically forfeit your right to gloat or celebrate said team’s accomplishments… along with your Man Card.
  1. When a friend’s favorite team is eliminated from the playoffs, or a championship game, there is a grace period in which the subject can be brought up in any context. If the topic is brought up, ESPECIALLY in a negative or gloating context, consequences will be severe.

The regular season is fair game. A little trash talk between fans is half the fun of professional sports. HOWEVER, in a situation where a team’s season has ended, it’s a low blow to send your friend a text taunting him about it. Unfortunately, this law is ignored almost as much as the previous one these days.

2 Cent Tab expects this law to be broken by the most casual sports fans or women, but a man breaking this law is subject to exclusion from serious sports conversations, or having his Man Card revoked in extreme situations. Any fan whose team has been eliminated from serious games can feel that pain.

The length of time before the subject can be approached depends on the circumstances. Usually, when the friend is over it, he’ll bring it up in some context. If he appears cool to joke about it (this usually doesn’t happen until a LOT later), then it’s fair game, otherwise, just realize that your friend is suffering enough and allow him to take his “L” with some grace and dignity.

All bills signed into Man Law by 2 Cent Tab are binding unless otherwise appealed or overturned. Any feedback is welcome— the Review Board takes Man Law very serious, but we’re no monsters.


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