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Monday, March 28, 2011

Judah's Update: Phone call from an ex

So last night I was chilling at the crib when I got a phone call from “Beth”.  Last time I mentioned  her, it was as an example of the challenges of learning as an adult.  So the phone rings and I look at the number calling my cell... I know the number obviously because I dated the girl for 6 months and I dialed it quite often.  

So as the phone is ringing I’m going through the reasons she may be calling:

Did something traumatic happen and she needs to speak to me?

Did she get a promotion at her job and want to share the good news?

Was she bored and just want to talk to me?

Did she miss me and finally understand she made an #EPICFAIL?

Did she simply want to see how I was doing?

All of these are good enough reasons for me to indulge my curiosity. So I decided to pick up the phone and say hello.  Now when we stopped seeing each other, I pretty much lost interest.  Like I said in an earlier post, I can’t be with a woman who isn’t willing to learn.

It may be a simplistic statement, but if you look a little deeper it is a major problem with people these days.  Everyone thinks they know everything until the walls come crashing down.  Take a little might save your life one day if you listen.

But anyways, we start off with some small talk as I give her the benefit of the doubt and engage her in a positive manner.  Five minutes into the conversation, I realize that she has nothing to say, which lets me cross off a couple of the theories off the list.  I now believe at this point she was either bored, missed me, or just wanted to keep tabs on me.  All of these theories at this point are filed under the #EPICFAIL category.  

I have changed a great deal since my college days, from which I first met her.  We were cool during school but didn’t really start kicking it until I was about to graduate.  Back in the day I would have coddled her...just stayed on the phone and allowed her to take her time and say whatever she needed to say.  This is not the person I am now.

Now I am more direct.  I really don't have time for bullshit ( Shout out to Breezy).  I am far beyond the person I was then.  I understand the value of time, energy and the worth of an honest word.  Although I know she is a cool girl, I am sure that I have no interest in any type of friendship with this woman.  

So during the conversation, I cut her off and point blank asked her the reason why she called me.  She said, “I don’t know.”  I understand this is a direct question and people suck at answering those, so I give her a moment to think about it.  Then I ask the same question again but this time I give her a reason why I am asking.  I tell her that I am cool with her calling me but explained to her that I have no interest in being friends with her, and that I am knee deep in my career and really don’t have time for this (Yes I’m an asshole, but I’m an asshole who is on a mission).  I told her I can’t wait til the 3rd phone call for her explanation, I need it now.  

“I miss you and want to get back with you, but I just want to be friends until I am ready.”

My first reaction was to laugh, but I didn’t want to offend her.  Basically she wants to have her chocolate cake and eat it too.  I am not interested in being the friend that beats it from time to time, nor am I interested in having long drawn out conversations with her while someone else is beating it.

I let her know that I appreciate her honesty, but that's not space I am in right now.  

I think two people can get back together if they put pride to the side, but this isn’t the case.  This woman is lonely for whatever reason and she wants some attention.  I am not the brother to give it to her and I explained this to her.  I didn’t say it in a mean or spiteful way, but in a way to explain to her it ain't going to happen.

Me letting her down like this isn’t about me #winning or being spiteful, but more so about me taking a step forward. I’m about quality women.  If I aspire to have it all, shouldn't I date someone who wants it all too?


Hadassah said...

I respect the way you handled this. It might not feel good to her or anyone in her situation, but you probably saved her in the long run by not leading her on or giving her any hope that there might possibly be anything more than it is. Honesty is the best policy in most situations and most definitely when dealing with exes and the weirdness that can ensue when they "pop up".


I want to play devil's advocate for a minute. Like I mentioned before I think you handled this the right way, but what if she is not looking "to have her chocolate cake and eat it too". "I miss you and I want to get back with you, but I just want to be friends until I'm ready" can be interpreted in different ways (your perception is your reality). What if by this she means "I miss you and I want to get back with you, but I am afraid because I know that in the past I let a lot of my issues effect our relationship. I can't say that I am completely healed from my past, but I know that I want to be with you and I want to be a better woman for you, so I am working on myself and I hope you can see that and give our relationship one more chance. Would you have responded differently if she said that? Of course this can still alter the energy of the relationship, but at least you know exactly what you are dealing with. We all have our issues, but there is power in acknowledging and working through them.

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